Working through several manuscripts, I began to notice a trend, a common phrase or “word set” that really didn’t help the writing. The actual sentences and character names have been changed to protect the identity of the authors.
“I will never forget what happened,” Joanna said as she lightly touched the scar on her neck.
“I can’t walk another step,” Susan added as she waved frantically for a cab.
“Time for me to get ready for work,” David complained as he got up from the couch.
Are the sentence grammatically incorrect? No. But are they exciting? No again. So what if we just tweak ’em a little bit …
“I will never forget what happened,” Joanna said, lightly touching the scar on her neck.
“I can’t walk another step!” Susan waved frantically for a cab.
“Time for me to get ready for work,” David complained, pushing himself up from the couch.
I really haven’t changed much, but the sentences are more lively, less passive. Don’t you think? I challenge you to look through your own work and see just how many “she said as she” phrases are used. You might be surprised.
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